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  1. OrangeAipom

    Chapter One Of A Book I'm Working On...

    Safety save. Bold means I changed it. I'm not exactly sure why you changed mindreading within a paragraph, because it seems weird to me. What do you mean by small voices, anyway? I think the first paragraph could be worked a bit better, maybe swapping order of it so that the "stained snow"...
  2. OrangeAipom

    Chapter One Of A Book I'm Working On...

    It seems nice so far. I'll nickpick later, since I'm not sure if I'll have time to do so now, but there's one grammar mistake you make throughout this chapter. If you're ending a sentence with a dialogue tag, you have to put a comma at the end of the talking if there would otherwise be a full...
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